As it is the Christmas holidays and the kids, high on sugar and excitement I figured a blog about getting kids to listen might be useful. I know that the constant nagging doesn't work yet I regularly catch myself shouting at my two. 'For Christ sake, get your knickers on before you practise your piano' is a frequent one in our house.
So, a book I can highly recommend is 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk'. I discovered it after a desperate search on mumsnet on a fraught day in the summer holidays. Everything is presented in cartoon style so doesn't tax your brain too much.
I am not sure why I rarely use teaching techniques with my own children. If I bellow at school children to 'do the work' it has zero effectiveness, yet with my kids every Sunday 'USE YOUR KNIFE' is yelled across the dinner table. Teenage kids nowadays don't respond to shouting (shame I know) but then who really does respond to a shout? I guess a good rule of thumb is - would I react positively to this?
Below is a mishmash of ideas from the book and from school that could help you get the message across and maybe for you to listen better to your kids.
Getting your message across:
- Pre-empt the problem. You know your family flash points. Have a talk with your child before they get up in the morning and discuss how it could take them 4 minutes and not 40 minutes for them to put their pants on.
- Frame your requests positively. 'I would love it if I didn't have to pick up your stinky knickers off the floor'.
- Use the DEAL strategy, works on husbands too! That's Describe the situation 'you've left a trail of your stuff on the floor'. Explain how you feel 'this makes me sad given I just tidied everywhere'. Ask for a change 'I would love it if you could pick them all up as soon as you can'. List the improvements 'That way I would have more time to make your favourite dinner'.
- Send a note. A post-it note over the tablet or a paper aeroplane sent into their bedroom with a quirky instruction on it can work once in a while.
Listening to your kids:
This is a two way process, you need to do better at listening better yourself. A huge percentage of parenting is just modelling the right thing. Here are some nuggets that may prove useful.
- Listen without judgement. Our social worker at school maintains you should just repeat what they say when they've said it. If you feel yourself unable to judge, frame it with a question 'Do you think that is the right thing to do?'
- Don't jump in with advice. As a teacher I am crap at this, but I know that problems solved ourselves develop autonomy and create satisfaction. If you have a good idea then ask them if they want some suggestions that they can choose from - it means you're not interfering.
- Acknowledge their feelings, don't dismiss. Replace 'Don't be silly you don't want to kill yourself' with 'This has made you really angry if you feel this way'. If they are in screaming banshee mode then leave them, time is sometimes also what they need
I would love to say that this is what I do 90% of the time but I do default to the parental yell. The purpose of this blog is to remind myself that I get better results from the more thoughtful approach. To finish, I must apologise for all the references to underwear in this blog - the bane of my life!
