Why won't they LISTEN?

As it is the Christmas holidays and the kids, high on sugar and excitement I figured a blog about getting kids to listen might be useful.  I know that the constant nagging doesn't work yet I regularly catch myself shouting at my two. 'For Christ sake, get your knickers on before you practise your piano' is a frequent one in our house.

So, a book I can highly recommend is 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk'.  I discovered it after a desperate search on mumsnet on a fraught day in the summer holidays.  Everything is presented in cartoon style so doesn't tax your brain too much.

I am not sure why I rarely use teaching techniques with my own children.  If I bellow at school children to 'do the work' it has zero effectiveness, yet with my kids every Sunday 'USE YOUR KNIFE' is yelled across the dinner table.  Teenage kids nowadays don't respond to shouting (shame I know) but then who really does respond to a shout? I guess a good rule of thumb is - would I react positively to this?

Below is a mishmash of ideas from the book and from school that could help you get the message across and maybe for you to listen better to your kids.

Getting your message across:

- Pre-empt the problem.  You know your family flash points.  Have a talk with your child before they get up in the morning and discuss how it could take them 4 minutes and not 40 minutes for them to put their pants on.

- Frame your requests positively.  'I would love it if I didn't have to pick up your stinky knickers off the floor'.  

- Use the DEAL strategy, works on husbands too!  That's Describe the situation 'you've left a trail of your stuff on the floor'.  Explain how you feel 'this makes me sad given I just tidied everywhere'.  Ask for a change 'I would love it if you could pick them all up as soon as you can'.  List the improvements 'That way I would have more time to make your favourite dinner'.  

- Send a note.   A post-it note over the tablet or a paper aeroplane sent into their bedroom with a quirky instruction on it can work once in a while. 

Listening to your kids:

This is a two way process, you need to do better at listening better yourself.  A huge percentage of parenting is just modelling the right thing.  Here are some nuggets that may prove useful.

- Listen without judgement.  Our social worker at school maintains you should just repeat what they say when they've said it.  If you feel yourself unable to judge, frame it with a question 'Do you think that is the right thing to do?'

- Don't jump in with advice.  As a teacher I am crap at this, but I know that problems solved ourselves develop autonomy and create satisfaction. If you have a good idea then ask them if they want some suggestions that they can choose from - it means you're not interfering.

- Acknowledge their feelings, don't dismiss.  Replace 'Don't be silly you don't want to kill yourself' with 'This has made you really angry if you feel this way'.  If they are in screaming banshee mode then leave them, time is sometimes also what they need

I would love to say that this is what I do 90% of the time but I do default to the parental yell.  The purpose of this blog is to remind myself that I get better results from the more thoughtful approach.  To finish, I must apologise for all the references to underwear in this blog - the bane of my life!

Working with teenage brains

I have a fascination for the self-improvement books in Waterstones and this has led to an enthusiasm for neuroscience.  It has proved an interesting insight into my own behaviour and it has really helped me to understand the behaviour of teenagers that I teach - they are after all at an 'interesting age'.  I have always said that teenagers are really quite lovely underneath and I stand by that, when you realise what is happening to their brains you can understand them a little more.

I do however, recall the peak of my adolescent where I didn't consider the consequences of my words.  In a restaurant I declared with disdain that 'I would never work in a job like a waitress'.  I was saying this as a waitress stood behind me, I wanted the ground to swallow me up, I wanted to take it back, I spoke without thinking.  Years later of course I had a job as a waitress!

I do also remember being fearless as a teenager - I set up a 'karaokeathon' in the local town centre for charity, then proceeded to sing the whole song catalogue to the shoppers because nobody else was brave enough to get involved.  I am an average singer so this must have been painful for shoppers that day.

I now understand these moments better having read a number of books on neuroscience (listed below), the best ones on teenagers are Nicola Morgan's Blame My Brain and Frances E Jenson's The Teenage Brian.  Nicola's book is a great starting point because it is written for teens and so the scientific language is more accessible, Frances Jenson's book is an excellent account from a parent and a neuroscientist.

Below is a summary of what I have learned from these books and others, that I will use in the classroom and with my kids when they reach that wonderful age.

- Teenage brains are being trimmed.  I described this as a trimmed bush on an INSET which created some titters.  A baby's connections grow rapidly (hence the bush) which is why children are such learning sponges.  Yet a teenage brain connections undergo a 'pruning' process, through a 'use it or lose it' process.  This pruning is essential to create the efficient brain of an adult but does result in some pretty high octane moments in mundane situations.

- The limbic system controls the teen because it develops first.  This is the area which guides emotions, behaviour and memory.  Useful in a crisis, this area guides our fight or flight reflexes.  Most insightful to know is that this system is quickest to respond in a crisis.  Crises rarely exist in a modern day world and so it is important to know when to ignore it (see next bullet point). The limbic system explains in teens the irrational fears (mine was and still is the telephone), frightening rages, aggression towards self and others, excitement and sexual attraction - what an awesome combination.  Steve Peters, renowned sports psychologist calls it 'The Chimp' which is apt.

- The logical reasoning (pre-frontal cortex) part of the brain matures last.  I describe this to my students as 'the common sense headband' due to its location at the forefront of the brain.    Nowhere is this epitomised more than in an argument, you shout and lose control (limbic system) and then 5 minutes later think of a clever response (prefrontal cortex). When my mum said 'count to 10' she had neurological insight.  The prefrontal cortex is the break to the limbic system's accelerator, it is particularly prominent in mums who are biologically programmed to worry about consequences to excess in order to protect their children. 

Consider your attitude to theme parks, as an adult you would look at The Oblivion Ride and think 'I remember that crash in the news.... I will probably be sick because it is spinning.... etc'.  A teenager, on the other hand, would sprint to the ride, think nothing of a 4 hour queue and wouldn't even hold on to the bar.  Studies even show that if teenagers had experienced a horrific experience they would still be likely to take the same risks again.

- The brain matures on average by aged 26 so this trimming takes some time.  This explains some of my not very logical decisions in my students days!

- The teenage brain has an awesome capacity for growth due to a greater plasticity.  I can't quite believe how much knowledge I stuffed in my head at GCSE and A level.  Teenage brains are wired to learn and so this is a great time to develop skills and undergo learning. Frustratingly this can be countered by a lack of long term thinking in the prefrontal 'common sense headband'.

- Teenagers can't read facial expressions and read tone of voice.  This explains that inappropriate giggling or that incredulous moment in class when they haven't read my 'don't mess with me' posture.  Always swiftly followed by the 'how dare you..'

So how can we work with and understand teens? Here are some thoughts:

- Teach them about their brains so that they can recognise when their 'chimp' is in action.  This has proved really useful in pastoral conversations.

- Give teens time to consider their responses so that their common sense headband can kick in.

- Go easy on teens, they can't work out consequences too well so point them out.  As a PSE teacher this gives great justification for your subject.

- Encourage them to tell the truth, teenagers will lie to avoid your consequences in an emotional response.  Frances Jenson's book, sadly, is full of stories of teenagers leaving unconscious friends for dead for fear of getting into trouble.

- 'Don't do this' approaches are unsuccessful for teens, it is in their nature to push away from authority and so will increase risk and thus make it more attractive.   It is better to define decisions as 'choices' with consequences.    We need to help young people with how to mitigate should they ever make poor choices.  For example if they are going to drink underage, they should aim to eat before, drink water and make sure one of them is more sober to get help and inform them of the effect it will have on their growing brain.  Note that this is not a case of allowing them to do what they want, teenagers actually want boundaries to help them with decisions.

- Help them to take 'safe' risks.  Mountain climbing, drama, ski-ing, competitive events and theme parks are all a key to happiness. 

I will finish on a success story.  As a teacher I was given pastoral intervention with a small group of year 9's who were almost impossible to teach, we used Steve Peters Chimp Brain management to identify their biggest fears, the unanimous fear was reading out loud.  With plenty of training with their chimps we created an assembly where they volunteered to read out paragraphs to over 300 pupils, I can picture the intake of breath as 6 of their most notorious naughty kids volunteered to read out in assembly and nailed it.  They were buzzing, I can't say it immediately changed their ways but it gave them a positive experience in secondary school, which some of them had sadly never had.

This is all easier said than done, I don't have teenage kids yet and so I am in for fun times in the future and may come back and regret my words but knowing about the brain will help to understand when a teen scrapes their bag against the newly painted walls at school or home.  Point out those consequences calmly and inspire them to run a 'karaokeathon' or is that just me?

Best books on neuroscience:

Frances Jenson: The Teenage Brain

Nicola Morgan: Blame my brain

Matthew Syed: Bounce

Steve Peters: The Chimp Paradox

Making numbers meaningful in geography

My first geography blog and I have decided to focus on my weakness - numbers.  I am going to blame my dad who professes he is no good with numbers, perhaps why he isn't totally sure my age.  I have probably mirrored his behaviour for many years, declaring I was 'no good at maths' despite picking up a reasonable grade in GCSE maths.  This was until I came across Gapminder, I challenge anyone who says they are not interested in numbers not to enjoy the data they produce.

For a number of years I have been trying to work out how to remember key data better so that I can help numerically challenged students.  I tried to make numbers into pictures producing a lovely visual image for the 2004 tsunami - a swan (number 2), two doughnuts (0) and a boat (4).  Although this has helped me to remember the date, it is only of limited use for key data for all case studies.

It was a student who set off the lightbulb moment when studying Bangladesh as an example of coastal flooding.  On a discussion of accretion, we noted down the figure 1.2 billion tonnes per year, the amount of silt transported by Bangladeshi rivers annually to the sea.  A mathematically savvy student said 'Wow that's 4 million jumbo jets'.  This really put the statistic into context, we could picture 4 million jumbo jets and so could imagine the weight of this silt.    Thanks to this student we gained a greater understanding and a much more memorable number.

In my next lesson with year 13 we were studying The Grand Renaissance Dam and looking at 6,000 megawatts of electricity being provided for Ethiopia. It occurred to me that I should find out what 1 megawatt could provide.  When we worked out 1 megawatt provides enough for 650 UK homes it helped us to evaluate the strength of this evidence in terms of how this could help Ethiopia to develop. 

When we look at the cost of top down infrastructure schemes we will compare it to other schemes and consider who benefits from these costs.  When you compare HS2 (£98 billion), China's North-South Water Transfer project (£62 billion) and The Grand Renaissance dam (£3.6 billion), the Ethiopian scheme appears to be quite the bargain (although local costs/labour and regulations all affect costs).

I always encourage my students to learn 3/4 key facts per case study, now I will encourage them to cast a critical eye over the data in front of them.  For example when studying a regeneration scheme that produces 400 jobs, we will ask questions about that data.  What percentage would this be of all jobs in the local area?  What types of jobs will this produce?  Are they jobs local people are qualified to do?

So my mission from now on is to interrogate the data in my case studies, to make meaningful calculations and connections so that the information sticks.  I will let you know how we get on.

Since the first blog I ventured further into costs:

So on looking at the water management project in China, I noticed that the cost fluctuates depending on what source you get your information from (between $62bn and $100bn) so this was a good teaching moment.  The costs are estimated by the government so we looked at how a government might downplay the costs of a project (particularly as data from the Chinese government may not be reliable).   

Also it occured to me the word billion is banded about very much and it brought to mind the £22 billion pound contract for SERCO for track and trace.  So I got to investigate how much is a billion (I remember from school some vague difference between the US and UK).  This article sums it up and is a useful video to show students.

how much is a billion?

Don't smash the tablets!

 When the timer goes off in our house and I yell up the stairs 'time to come off now' for the sixth time, I think about Kirstie Allsopp smashing up her kids tablets in a rage.  'I just need to....I've nearly finished...I am in the middle of a game' my kids bellow back at me. Argh! Every day the same conflict, every day I repeat the same mantra 'They design these things to keep you on...there is no end to them....you have to stop at some point...etc'  I am sure that during lockdowns, you, like me have wrestled with the unhelpful parental guilt - they've been on their tablets for over an hour, they should be climbing trees and making dens like famous five children.  When will we stop with the unrealistic expectations?  We are not in the 1950's, we are living in exceptional times, we should give ourselves a break. Having a long hard talk to myself here.

Recently I wrote a teacher training module on internet harms and online relationships for the new curriculum in secondary schools and so I have conducted a fair bit of research on this subject. I can't say that it makes me an expert but there are some things that I can share:

- Embrace their world.  It might not be your thing but if they want to play Fortnite because all their friends are then you could try it out first.  My sister and I had a proper mum battle once.  Her teenage kids, rolling their eyes profusely, secretly enjoyed watching us master the controls.  We only just managed to work out how to look up and by that time we'd been shot but it did give us an idea about the excitement of the game.  

- It isn't as harmful as you think.  We have, in our house been sticking vehemently to a one hour a day limit but we're going to extend it after a period of intense Brexit-style negotiations.  I have searched for evidence to show the students how bad it was to be online and found that recent research shows that being online for children had more positive effects than negative.  Keep an eye out for new research because large studies are ongoing about the effects on mental health, I find this magazine is great for updates about online activity and research.

- It is social. In covid times it's a lifeline but even in normal times it brings great social development skills.  I listened in occasionally on my kid's Fortnite playing expecting to hear rage but one of the boys was singing a lovely little nonsense song.  My children and their dad bond over games of Fortnite with and against each other, headphones on, one upstairs and one downstairs.  What follows is great collaboration skills and tremendous excited shouts as one of them has sniped the other.  

- In the words of a youtuber 'allow it bro'.  You know your kids the best and so know when they are ready for further connection with the online world.  On speaking to students at school about what they are and aren't allowed, I find that those who are heavily restricted find ways around it.  One girl would upload the apps for the school day and delete them before she got home. This secrecy puts her in a vulnerable place because she didn't have a trusted adult to discuss her online issues with.  If you allow anything below the recommended age, check it out on one of the websites below and have a good chat about what might go wrong and set the privacy settings with them.

- Be their trusted adult: We all live in fear of the online predator, the newspaper seem to revel in the high numbers of online child sexual abuse.  On a training course at school we were taught that children who did not confide in a trusted adult were extremely vulnerable.  Predators test children with secrets, asking victims not to tell a harmless secret and if they don't confide, then they are at risk from abuse.  Tell your child that they may make mistakes online and that if they do, you want to hear about it and that you won't judge them for it.

- Talk about gaming rage.  Not all games give them rage I notice, I am a fan of Among Us and Minecraft because they don't need wrenching away from them so much.  When the shouty rage is upon them once you've switched off the broadband, let them go for it and then take them out for a walk (my favourite sanction) for as long as it takes them to get over it.

- Find balance with screen time: I don't know how much time they should have online.  The research isn't out yet but I like this article from safer internet which highlights the importance of finding balance.  This is something that I am trying to explain on our walks.

- Point out your own failings.  Let's face it we are all a bit addicted to our phones so we can't be too hypocritical when trying to peel the kids away from their screens - the enticing notifications, the click bait articles and social media are so difficult to ignore.  App developers are smart at designing that tunes into our sense of anxiety and esteem. Nicola Morgan writes about the neuroscience in this in her  book for teenagers.  My youngest likes to help me with my phone addiction and enjoys pointing out when I am glued.  If you are going to have a screen free day for them, you ought to suck it up too although I wish the goddamn thing has so much important stuff on it.  When did it happen that we couldn't function without them - curse you Silicon Valley!

So finally I suppose we have to take ourselves back to our childhoods and the Commodore 64, or 16 if you, like me, had the cheaper version.  We did love playing Daily Thompson's Olympics or watching friends play it (I guess this was our equivalent of the Youtube dross) so who are we to deny our kids this.  Obviously caution this with a balance of other activities (when I do drag the children back to the 1950's they do love a tree climb).  Most importantly enjoy that game time, the silence is bliss!

References and useful sites.

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/ - CEOP for safety concerns

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/ Family Lives

https://www.saferinternet.org.uk/advice-centre/parents-and-carers - Safer Internet Centre

Also see my blog on sex for information about online pornography.

Developing independent and well motivated beings

I am sure that I am not the only parent this week who desperately wants their kids to 'JUST GET ON WITH IT' but 'GET ON WITH IT QUICKLY AND MAKE IT DECENT QUALITY FOR CHRIST SAKE'.  Sorry had to get that out of my system - it's been a shouty kind of week.   Kids will do every trick in the book to avoid work.   Let's face it, we've all done it.  I remember in a hot stuffy classroom putting my hand in the air without reading the task the teacher had asked me to do, in hope that they would come over and give me the answer.  Having taught many a hapless teenager I know this trick and so I make sure that I am super annoying with my help, not giving them the answer and making them work for the attention they demanded.  

I have had to wrack my brains for strategies to motivate and engage my children this week, the ones that work for the teens I teach.  Sometimes these strategies work and sometimes they don't, we are working with humans and they are not an exact science.  Here's what I have come up with.

 

- Don't rush to help them:  This is good for you and good for them. If you shoot up to help them when they whine, they will come to expect this and this isn't something that you can sustain.  I read in a parenting book that you should let them struggle and it really hit home for me.  After reading this, no longer did I help my stroppy toddler when she had a meltdown over the pram that wouldn't move over the ledge of the door and miraculously she worked it out and was super chuffed with herself for it.  

- Learning should be a struggle: If it isn't hard they are not learning.  This week I assumed my 7 year old wouldn't know the word 'altitude' so I changed the phrasing of the question to help.  She informed me that she knew what it meant because it was in the glossary on the next page.  I was considered told.    After the first lockdown and having to help with fractions, I learnt that I should shut up about stuff being difficult because if your mum with a degree can't do it, then they sure as hell will be thinking they can't.

- Get students to visualise the pit: Someone on our staff meeting said their kid's primary school had been teaching them about the learning pit, which basically means that to truly learn you have to face a difficult journey and you will be faced with a moment where you are stuck at the bottom of a pit.  Once you work your way out of the pit with blood, sweat and tears there is enormous pleasure from getting out.  This became a thing for us during the last lockdown to such an extent that my husband recorded my daughter saying that she had exited the pit in order to use for motivational purposes later on.  

- Practice makes perfect:  It's a cheesy one all mums say but it is true.  Malcolm Gladwell popularised the 10,000 hours theory for mastering a skill and I am sure you have all been faced with it in a training event of some kind.  It isn't exact because there's all kinds of reason we get good at stuff but we know that if you practice something enough you get really good at it.  This video has been doing the rounds on social media and is a good one to show your kids when they are finding something challenging.

- Nobody likes doing something they're not good at.  I am shocking at DIY because I avoid it at all costs.  Have a think about what you avoid and what your kids avoid - does it coincide?  We need to show our kids that even if we don't feel confident in something that we should face it. 

- Model how to do what they've got to do:  Sometimes when faced with a difficult task we haven't got a clue where to start and this is probably why your kid is procrastinating impressively.  Like a sports coach, demonstrate how you would do it and if they are still stuck start the work so that they can finish it.  My youngest likes to spot deliberate mistakes that I chuck in to see if she's listening.  This week we faced creating a biased newspaper article about a Greek god and so I recreated a newspaper article about how her favourite youtuber was responsible for children getting fat.

- Bribery doesn't work in the long term.  All the research points to the fact that extrinsic motivation, like saying you will get £10 for each exam result, doesn't work. Intrinsic motivation, being chuffed with yourself is always better.  So it is worth working on setting goals with your kids.  Matthew Syed's Awesome Diary is really good for this.  His adult books are also a great insight in understanding how to succeed.

- Learning takes time: I am ashamed to say that my 7 year old is not as good at shoelaces as she should be, it's her fault and mine.  When it's time to go out she whines that she can't do it and because I am in a rush, I do it for her.  Really I need to sit down with her and practice it sitting on a sofa because nobody learns best under the stress of everyone huffing at you to hurry up.

- The rule of three.  In school we have a SPOT strategy 'Self, Partner, Other, Teacher'.  This is to counter the problem I alluded to with kids who don't want to think.  Partly because I am a bit lazy I have always told the kids to try 3 times before asking for help with tricky tasks.  It freaks me out that they almost always do it by the third attempt.  

- Let them loose.  They want to cook or do craft and you ought to let them do it on their own.  Yes it will look crap and the kitchen will be a bombsite but does it matter? This week my 10 year old baked brownies completely on her own, it took an hour and a half longer than usual but they tasted alright. Added bonus being if we get stricken down with corona virus we will still be supplied with cake!

- Tell them you like mistakes.  The biggest barrier to learning at the moment is students afraid to make mistakes: they think if they delay enough that they won't have a wrong answer.  Wrong answers are great I tell the kids at school, they are learning opportunities, I then spiel off loads of "failed" human beings - J K Rowling, Simon Cowell, Michelle Obama.  Risk takers who learn from mistakes are the most successful in life.  I do find though, as a parent, we hone in on mistakes and can't help but point them out. Rein it in - nobody wants someone constantly poking holes in what they do!  If you can't help it, point out that these are understandable and do try to balance it out with 3 positive features about their work.  Perhaps better would be to ask my kids to point out their errors before I find them, this then helps them to get better at self regulation.

- Positively phrase your instructions:  It's a classic teacher training one this but when you ask them to do something always put it positively.  'I would really love it if....you could leave your tablet when I ask you to'.  'I have this fun challenge for you that you will really enjoy, can you put your bowl in the dishwasher'.  Okay, so nobody thinks that dishwashers are fun but the humour might just jolt them into action.  Also when followed by a thanks rather than a please it fools them into thinking they said yes - love a voodoo mind trick!

- Have a rota with responsibilities:  We went to an AirBnb in France and noticed that they had a chore rota on the fridge with a fair bit to be done.  It occurred to us that we were always running around cleaning and had two ready made slaves to do some of it.  Thus the rota was made with the slaves agreement and now they happily do it!  Who knew this would work?  We don't even give them money for it either.

I am sorry if this advice is a bit obvious but when we are under pressure with the demands of our work, fielding questions about fractions and snacks we don't always remember these things.  I know this week I will be trying to do these more, with this blog I feel like I am teaching myself too.  Don't despair if your child isn't readily working independently yet, with some patience and time - they'll get there.  And you, like me, will have brownies for tea!

Let's talk about sex baby...A guide for parents.

 'Let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things not the bad things...' If, like me, you sang along not knowing what it was all about then put your hands in the air.  It is rather a British quirk that we avoid talk of the naughty stuff.  Like me, you may find that perfectly sensible words like penis send you off into a fit of giggles.  

I spent my teenage years in ignorant bliss about sex until the playground chat got more 'intense'. There was talk of BJ's,  I nodded along as though I knew.  But how would I find out what it meant?  There was no way I would ask my sister who, although older, would have used this piece of information as ammunition in one of our infamous blow ups.  Also no way would I ask my mum who took the following approach (in a more Yorkshire tone than usual) 'Don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex...it'll ruin your life'.  My school sex education was from an RE teacher who was very much involved with us 'not touching the display boards' so I figured if I asked her about intimate touching this may be just as vehemently dismissed.  So how did I find out in the end?  A racy book on my mum's bookshelf which significantly increased my sexual terminology - my favourite being phallus.

Today's young people have it easier, or do they?  If the playground chat steams up, this generation would instinctively head to the internet.  When they type in the search engine 'blow job' there is a fairly major chance that they are going to find pornography.  And this is harmful for young minds and bodies.  It is sad to think that if we leave it too late to talk about sex, they might find out from a class mate who sends them porn on their phone.  Give me the steamy books any day!

I am now more knowledgeable in this area thanks to a slight detour from teaching geography to the privileged position of leading relationships and sex education in a job share with an amazing biology teacher.  Shout out to Jacqui who taught me everything about sex.  I started with nerves, in one of my first condom demonstrations, I tugged at the tough packaging with my stubby nails and the slippery sucker flew out and flopped close to the shoes of a traumatised girl sat on the front row.  Thankfully the more I taught about sex, the more relaxed I felt and the more they were comfortable talking to me.  I have grown increasingly convinced that talking to the kids about sex is a brave step and one that every parent needs to take but I guess the question is when and how?  

I have put together some thoughts:

• If the question comes up answer it.  You don't need to make a big thing, this is a natural part of life. My youngest daughter asked about sex before my oldest but both were in the car so I answered it - simple as that.  Whilst my husband shook considerably to restrain his giggles, I explained the process and they were satisfied with that.  If a question doesn't get asked, there are some excellent books out there to help you through.
• Be positive. We make too much of a secret of it, this probably explains why teenagers, who are programmed to rebel, see this as a tempting taboo.  Also talk to your kids positively about puberty. I admit I found it tricky with menstruation, but when you consider that this is them becoming an adult, this is indeed something to celebrate.  I love that Native Americans have a 'sunrise ceremony' to celebrate so perhaps we should take this approach with gifts and a feast.
• Tell them they can ask you questions about sex without judgement.  Children are curious, it doesn't mean that they are going to go and get pregnant.  The fact that they can ask you means that they will get sensible information and won't seek elsewhere.
• Talk like Goedele Liekens the Belgian sexologist who gave me my greatest education in a programme by Channel 4 'Sex in Class'.  She emphasised the fun element of sex particularly for girls whom she asked to use mirrors to help them explore their body more.  The saddest part of this documentary was that all genders could not label key features of a girls anatomy - labia, clitoris and vulva were not words that kids knew, yet their drawings of penises were extraordinarily detailed.  I blame 'Superbad'.  I guess we can be quick to dismiss our children when they fiddle and grab their genitals but we should tell them this should be only in private rather than make them ashamed.
• Talk about consent.  If you haven't seen the tea and consent video you need to.  Shout out to my enlightened Aussie friend who not only taught her toddler to use the correct anatomical words for his appendage, penis (our NCT group were taken aback).  She also taught us all the term 'enthusiastic consent' which is a great way to overcome the ambiguity of sexual conduct.
• Talk about pornography.  Goedele asked her students in a Yorkshire school to write a porn film, in mixed gendered teams.  A boisterous boy added his own 'special' ending associated with a porn film and horrified the girls in the class when he said he wouldn't have asked permission.  This was an excellent way of highlighting the influence of porn on youngsters. Porn, like most Hollywood films never contain conversations about consent.  This is only one of the damaging impacts of porn, you may not want to talk about how it emphasises violent behaviour, favours male pleasure, represents unrealistic expectations of bodies and can give a false impression of sexual behaviour.  Be sure to explain the legalities of receiving and sharing pornography, something which secondary schools will certainly be doing with new curriculum changes.   This funny video illustrates the differences between porn and real sex through the medium of food, something I am always interested in (you may not want to watch this when the kids are around).
• Your child might be LGBT or their friends might be.  Aim to be inclusive with your talk so that they can happily talk about any feelings they might have about their attraction to anyone.  LGBT teens are much more likely to suffer from mental health issues and so having a home that is a safe space will go a long way towards helping with this.  Plus we want them to be inclusive with their talk too.

So this is all that I have learned after teaching and researching sex ed for 8 years. I by know means know it all.  If you want more information Channel 4 has some excellent programmes. I have often thought a website where young people can go to find out information about sex would really help young people today so that if someone like me wants to find out what a 'blow job' is, they would get a quick, reliable and factual answer.  This is the nearest I have got to an A-Z of sexual terms but if you get a better one give me a shout.

Here are some references and the chat I alluded to earlier:

Where Willy Went? - I hear a great introduction to primary age kids.

Louis Theroux 'The night in question' - a good look at sexual consent in American colleges.  Also watch Sex Education on Netflix - very enlightening.

Government report on access to pornography

Guide for parents on illegal sharing of underage images (sexting)  If your child receives an image of an underage naked photograph or confesses to sending one then report to the school or CEOP, don't look at it or take a copy of it.  Also report this to the school.  For help with deleting images go to the Internet Watch Foundation.

Getting your kids to read...

'My kids will not sit down and read....sigh'. I regularly have this thought.  I feel like a failure, I am a teacher for goodness sake and the husband is brainy too.  Why don't they just sit down and read? I used to do that - or did I?  In reality I was busy twirling a brush around in the garden with ambitions of being in 'the front row' of the majorette troupe.  These things are important to a 9 year old.  Not to worry, this skill paid off because I still have the muscle memory to wang a 2ft brush around my head.

It's not really a surprise that our kids aren't glued to books when competing for their attention is Fortnite, Roblox and Among Us.  All those flashy colours and opportunities to chat with friends are an understandable distraction.  Yet we all know that there is nothing like getting lost in a book.  For most of us it's when we are on holiday, that 'other world' that you escape to is unique and entrancing.  Nicola Morgan (who writes excellent books) calls it 'readaxation' because it zones you out better than most activities.

We all know the benefits of reading and lecture our kids regularly but will they listen?  No.  With my oldest child (aged 9) and reading, I have the 'parent guilt'. She does not sit in a corner and read like I would like her to, if she does (because I have bribed her over the tablet) she always wants to read Diary of a Wimpy Kid or Tom Gates, at a push David Walliams.  I know that I am being unreasonably harsh on myself because when I gather the evidence I find that my kids do read (at night).  I once even overheard my eldest recommending a book on an online chat.  My youngest is obsessed with Rory Branagan, which is hilarious and has started a family joke about silent farts being called a 'Wilkins Wellkins'.  

In my desperate pursuit to turn my kids into bookworms I have gathered a plethora of advice through the combination of good google search and playground chats and I think that these really work:

• Read yourself (your phone doesn't count).  Kids mirror your behaviour so if you want them to read, read.  I am the worst for phone gawping because they are so addictive, but putting your phone down and picking up a book is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kid.  My youngest has more of an interest in books, I think because one summer I had a conscious effort to put my phone down and pick up a book.  I was glad I did, books are much more fun and better for your mental health than doom scrolling the internet.  Still this is far easier said than done and I have a long way to go here.
• Let them read the Wimpy Kids.  Try not to be so quick to dis the books they like - have you read them? Without Walliams my kids would not have got onto chapter books and he has some corking books: Awful Auntie, Bad Dad and The Midnight Gang are all big hits in my house.  
• Read to them and it doesn't have to be at night.  My eldest doesn't really need a bedtime story but every now and then I read to her.  It's a great escape from my school work and it makes for good bonding as we discuss what's going to happen next.  
• Talk about books, if you have your book handy all the time you're more likely to read it.  Also your child will be curious about it, so tell them what your book is about.  Reading 'The Institute' by Stephen King on holiday, my daughter wanted to know what it was about, when I told her it was about kids with special powers that had been kidnapped, she wanted an update every day.
• Take recommendations. What got me into books eventually was recommendations, I always try to read a Booker Prize winner - the ultimate recommendation.  Waterstones are amazing and the people who work in the kids books are a fountain of knowledge, my kids will eagerly pick up a book that they have recommended. Books can be an inspiration my eldest is really enjoying the Wimpy Kid Movie Diaries and now wants to get into making films.
• Go to the library - often.  Not only will it save you money but it shows your kids that books are important to you if you visit the library often.  I know in Covid times this may be difficult but check their online offer.  Our library has a ready reads scheme where you offer your preferred reads and they choose something similar - I have had some humdingers from this scheme.
• Reading corner/den. This is what schools do, they have a cosy corner where students can read.  Kids love making a den so get them to go ahead.  Even if they don't read in it, it has got them out of your hair for a half hour.
• Positive labelling: I will probably write about this later but society labels kids.  For example expectations are that girls have neat handwriting and read quietly but boys run around and punch each other.  This is typical of the type of labelling that our kids face.  So how do we overcome that?  By telling them they are a reader and a good one at that.  Watch this space for a future blog about stereotyping and positive labelling.
• Liaise with school.  Find out what book they are studying at school, ask for some recommendations from the teacher or ask if your child can do a show and tell with a book they have read.  Kids love to impress their teachers and teachers love it when your child reads.
• Go factual.  My kids, actually mostly their dad, love a rummage through The Guinness Book of Records.  Who doesn't want to know about the most 'high fives by a rat'?  This is a British record - punches the air!
• Try the news.  No not the doom scrolling stuff that you look at.  We all know Newsround is a classic but this article by The Guardian gives some alternatives.  I am going to check these out this week.
• Audiobooks.  I can't take credit for this one: my neighbour 'Jo' and 'Charlotte' my colleague both recommend Audio books. Jo recommends The Wizard in my shed for her lively boys who have loved it.  Charlotte says 'As a family of dyslexics I was amazed when the educational psychologists recommended audiobooks - I had been slavishly pushing traditional reading and I thought audiobooks were cheating.  But his rationale was that audiobooks allowed them to improve vocabulary and their writing styles. It also meant that they enjoyed the stories and worked through them in good pace'.

So good luck with the reading, don't expect miracles (my kids only read at bedtime or under duress) and see what happens.  Even if you read more, the process of osmosis will take effect eventually. Our Senior headteacher says her kids struggle to read, so I shall throw away my guilt and let them read today's equivalent of 'Sweet Valley High'.  Thanks Laura for the old school reference!

Below are recommendations and websites of a few mentioned above. Not being the expert I asked my amazing colleagues at Cobham Free School for recommendations and here are a few of them - the sheer volume says that there is something for everyone out there.

Book Trust - Far more knowledgeable than me.

Books:

The Boy In The Back Of The Class - my eldest loves anything by this author.

Rory Branagan series

The Tree House Series

Our Head of English has this reading list that she gives out, our headteacher recommends them as her son loved them.  She credits an extremely generous teacher who shared this online originally.

Here are more that aren't on the list and/or extra nuggets of advice:

Deepti recommends: Good night stories for rebel girls, Spiderwick Chronicles (younger children) and the Awesome book awards

Alice recommends: Heroes of Olympus Series and The Rooftoppers

Emily and Sarah-Jane both recommend the library, Sarah-Jane recommends swapping books with friends to save money.

Lauren recommends Roald Dahl and reading about Greek Myths.  She also says read anything, her daughter is obsessively learning the periodic table from Osbourne Books.

Charlotte recommends Eva Ibbotson

Vicky recommends The Firework Maker's Daughter - Phillip Pullman

Duncan says just get them to read and he gave his son graphic novels, anime and autobiographies and he became a professional animator.  He gave his arty daughter Marianne Dreams who read it multiple times.

Liz recommends poetry and the genius that is Michael Rosen - who doesn't love 'Chocolate Cake' - yummy!

Lottie recommends the Percy Jackson series

Kerry recommends audiobooks with the Alexa every night as part of the bedtime routine.  She also recommends books by Tom Fletcher and David Baddiel.

Thanks CFS people!