Let's talk about sex baby...A guide for parents.

 'Let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things not the bad things...' If, like me, you sang along not knowing what it was all about then put your hands in the air.  It is rather a British quirk that we avoid talk of the naughty stuff.  Like me, you may find that perfectly sensible words like penis send you off into a fit of giggles.  

I spent my teenage years in ignorant bliss about sex until the playground chat got more 'intense'. There was talk of BJ's,  I nodded along as though I knew.  But how would I find out what it meant?  There was no way I would ask my sister who, although older, would have used this piece of information as ammunition in one of our infamous blow ups.  Also no way would I ask my mum who took the following approach (in a more Yorkshire tone than usual) 'Don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex...it'll ruin your life'.  My school sex education was from an RE teacher who was very much involved with us 'not touching the display boards' so I figured if I asked her about intimate touching this may be just as vehemently dismissed.  So how did I find out in the end?  A racy book on my mum's bookshelf which significantly increased my sexual terminology - my favourite being phallus.

Today's young people have it easier, or do they?  If the playground chat steams up, this generation would instinctively head to the internet.  When they type in the search engine 'blow job' there is a fairly major chance that they are going to find pornography.  And this is harmful for young minds and bodies.  It is sad to think that if we leave it too late to talk about sex, they might find out from a class mate who sends them porn on their phone.  Give me the steamy books any day!

I am now more knowledgeable in this area thanks to a slight detour from teaching geography to the privileged position of leading relationships and sex education in a job share with an amazing biology teacher.  Shout out to Jacqui who taught me everything about sex.  I started with nerves, in one of my first condom demonstrations, I tugged at the tough packaging with my stubby nails and the slippery sucker flew out and flopped close to the shoes of a traumatised girl sat on the front row.  Thankfully the more I taught about sex, the more relaxed I felt and the more they were comfortable talking to me.  I have grown increasingly convinced that talking to the kids about sex is a brave step and one that every parent needs to take but I guess the question is when and how?  

I have put together some thoughts:

• If the question comes up answer it.  You don't need to make a big thing, this is a natural part of life. My youngest daughter asked about sex before my oldest but both were in the car so I answered it - simple as that.  Whilst my husband shook considerably to restrain his giggles, I explained the process and they were satisfied with that.  If a question doesn't get asked, there are some excellent books out there to help you through.
• Be positive. We make too much of a secret of it, this probably explains why teenagers, who are programmed to rebel, see this as a tempting taboo.  Also talk to your kids positively about puberty. I admit I found it tricky with menstruation, but when you consider that this is them becoming an adult, this is indeed something to celebrate.  I love that Native Americans have a 'sunrise ceremony' to celebrate so perhaps we should take this approach with gifts and a feast.
• Tell them they can ask you questions about sex without judgement.  Children are curious, it doesn't mean that they are going to go and get pregnant.  The fact that they can ask you means that they will get sensible information and won't seek elsewhere.
• Talk like Goedele Liekens the Belgian sexologist who gave me my greatest education in a programme by Channel 4 'Sex in Class'.  She emphasised the fun element of sex particularly for girls whom she asked to use mirrors to help them explore their body more.  The saddest part of this documentary was that all genders could not label key features of a girls anatomy - labia, clitoris and vulva were not words that kids knew, yet their drawings of penises were extraordinarily detailed.  I blame 'Superbad'.  I guess we can be quick to dismiss our children when they fiddle and grab their genitals but we should tell them this should be only in private rather than make them ashamed.
• Talk about consent.  If you haven't seen the tea and consent video you need to.  Shout out to my enlightened Aussie friend who not only taught her toddler to use the correct anatomical words for his appendage, penis (our NCT group were taken aback).  She also taught us all the term 'enthusiastic consent' which is a great way to overcome the ambiguity of sexual conduct.
• Talk about pornography.  Goedele asked her students in a Yorkshire school to write a porn film, in mixed gendered teams.  A boisterous boy added his own 'special' ending associated with a porn film and horrified the girls in the class when he said he wouldn't have asked permission.  This was an excellent way of highlighting the influence of porn on youngsters. Porn, like most Hollywood films never contain conversations about consent.  This is only one of the damaging impacts of porn, you may not want to talk about how it emphasises violent behaviour, favours male pleasure, represents unrealistic expectations of bodies and can give a false impression of sexual behaviour.  Be sure to explain the legalities of receiving and sharing pornography, something which secondary schools will certainly be doing with new curriculum changes.   This funny video illustrates the differences between porn and real sex through the medium of food, something I am always interested in (you may not want to watch this when the kids are around).
• Your child might be LGBT or their friends might be.  Aim to be inclusive with your talk so that they can happily talk about any feelings they might have about their attraction to anyone.  LGBT teens are much more likely to suffer from mental health issues and so having a home that is a safe space will go a long way towards helping with this.  Plus we want them to be inclusive with their talk too.

So this is all that I have learned after teaching and researching sex ed for 8 years. I by know means know it all.  If you want more information Channel 4 has some excellent programmes. I have often thought a website where young people can go to find out information about sex would really help young people today so that if someone like me wants to find out what a 'blow job' is, they would get a quick, reliable and factual answer.  This is the nearest I have got to an A-Z of sexual terms but if you get a better one give me a shout.

Here are some references and the chat I alluded to earlier:

Where Willy Went? - I hear a great introduction to primary age kids.

Louis Theroux 'The night in question' - a good look at sexual consent in American colleges.  Also watch Sex Education on Netflix - very enlightening.

Government report on access to pornography

Guide for parents on illegal sharing of underage images (sexting)  If your child receives an image of an underage naked photograph or confesses to sending one then report to the school or CEOP, don't look at it or take a copy of it.  Also report this to the school.  For help with deleting images go to the Internet Watch Foundation.