Developing independent and well motivated beings

I am sure that I am not the only parent this week who desperately wants their kids to 'JUST GET ON WITH IT' but 'GET ON WITH IT QUICKLY AND MAKE IT DECENT QUALITY FOR CHRIST SAKE'.  Sorry had to get that out of my system - it's been a shouty kind of week.   Kids will do every trick in the book to avoid work.   Let's face it, we've all done it.  I remember in a hot stuffy classroom putting my hand in the air without reading the task the teacher had asked me to do, in hope that they would come over and give me the answer.  Having taught many a hapless teenager I know this trick and so I make sure that I am super annoying with my help, not giving them the answer and making them work for the attention they demanded.  

I have had to wrack my brains for strategies to motivate and engage my children this week, the ones that work for the teens I teach.  Sometimes these strategies work and sometimes they don't, we are working with humans and they are not an exact science.  Here's what I have come up with.

 

- Don't rush to help them:  This is good for you and good for them. If you shoot up to help them when they whine, they will come to expect this and this isn't something that you can sustain.  I read in a parenting book that you should let them struggle and it really hit home for me.  After reading this, no longer did I help my stroppy toddler when she had a meltdown over the pram that wouldn't move over the ledge of the door and miraculously she worked it out and was super chuffed with herself for it.  

- Learning should be a struggle: If it isn't hard they are not learning.  This week I assumed my 7 year old wouldn't know the word 'altitude' so I changed the phrasing of the question to help.  She informed me that she knew what it meant because it was in the glossary on the next page.  I was considered told.    After the first lockdown and having to help with fractions, I learnt that I should shut up about stuff being difficult because if your mum with a degree can't do it, then they sure as hell will be thinking they can't.

- Get students to visualise the pit: Someone on our staff meeting said their kid's primary school had been teaching them about the learning pit, which basically means that to truly learn you have to face a difficult journey and you will be faced with a moment where you are stuck at the bottom of a pit.  Once you work your way out of the pit with blood, sweat and tears there is enormous pleasure from getting out.  This became a thing for us during the last lockdown to such an extent that my husband recorded my daughter saying that she had exited the pit in order to use for motivational purposes later on.  

- Practice makes perfect:  It's a cheesy one all mums say but it is true.  Malcolm Gladwell popularised the 10,000 hours theory for mastering a skill and I am sure you have all been faced with it in a training event of some kind.  It isn't exact because there's all kinds of reason we get good at stuff but we know that if you practice something enough you get really good at it.  This video has been doing the rounds on social media and is a good one to show your kids when they are finding something challenging.

- Nobody likes doing something they're not good at.  I am shocking at DIY because I avoid it at all costs.  Have a think about what you avoid and what your kids avoid - does it coincide?  We need to show our kids that even if we don't feel confident in something that we should face it. 

- Model how to do what they've got to do:  Sometimes when faced with a difficult task we haven't got a clue where to start and this is probably why your kid is procrastinating impressively.  Like a sports coach, demonstrate how you would do it and if they are still stuck start the work so that they can finish it.  My youngest likes to spot deliberate mistakes that I chuck in to see if she's listening.  This week we faced creating a biased newspaper article about a Greek god and so I recreated a newspaper article about how her favourite youtuber was responsible for children getting fat.

- Bribery doesn't work in the long term.  All the research points to the fact that extrinsic motivation, like saying you will get £10 for each exam result, doesn't work. Intrinsic motivation, being chuffed with yourself is always better.  So it is worth working on setting goals with your kids.  Matthew Syed's Awesome Diary is really good for this.  His adult books are also a great insight in understanding how to succeed.

- Learning takes time: I am ashamed to say that my 7 year old is not as good at shoelaces as she should be, it's her fault and mine.  When it's time to go out she whines that she can't do it and because I am in a rush, I do it for her.  Really I need to sit down with her and practice it sitting on a sofa because nobody learns best under the stress of everyone huffing at you to hurry up.

- The rule of three.  In school we have a SPOT strategy 'Self, Partner, Other, Teacher'.  This is to counter the problem I alluded to with kids who don't want to think.  Partly because I am a bit lazy I have always told the kids to try 3 times before asking for help with tricky tasks.  It freaks me out that they almost always do it by the third attempt.  

- Let them loose.  They want to cook or do craft and you ought to let them do it on their own.  Yes it will look crap and the kitchen will be a bombsite but does it matter? This week my 10 year old baked brownies completely on her own, it took an hour and a half longer than usual but they tasted alright. Added bonus being if we get stricken down with corona virus we will still be supplied with cake!

- Tell them you like mistakes.  The biggest barrier to learning at the moment is students afraid to make mistakes: they think if they delay enough that they won't have a wrong answer.  Wrong answers are great I tell the kids at school, they are learning opportunities, I then spiel off loads of "failed" human beings - J K Rowling, Simon Cowell, Michelle Obama.  Risk takers who learn from mistakes are the most successful in life.  I do find though, as a parent, we hone in on mistakes and can't help but point them out. Rein it in - nobody wants someone constantly poking holes in what they do!  If you can't help it, point out that these are understandable and do try to balance it out with 3 positive features about their work.  Perhaps better would be to ask my kids to point out their errors before I find them, this then helps them to get better at self regulation.

- Positively phrase your instructions:  It's a classic teacher training one this but when you ask them to do something always put it positively.  'I would really love it if....you could leave your tablet when I ask you to'.  'I have this fun challenge for you that you will really enjoy, can you put your bowl in the dishwasher'.  Okay, so nobody thinks that dishwashers are fun but the humour might just jolt them into action.  Also when followed by a thanks rather than a please it fools them into thinking they said yes - love a voodoo mind trick!

- Have a rota with responsibilities:  We went to an AirBnb in France and noticed that they had a chore rota on the fridge with a fair bit to be done.  It occurred to us that we were always running around cleaning and had two ready made slaves to do some of it.  Thus the rota was made with the slaves agreement and now they happily do it!  Who knew this would work?  We don't even give them money for it either.

I am sorry if this advice is a bit obvious but when we are under pressure with the demands of our work, fielding questions about fractions and snacks we don't always remember these things.  I know this week I will be trying to do these more, with this blog I feel like I am teaching myself too.  Don't despair if your child isn't readily working independently yet, with some patience and time - they'll get there.  And you, like me, will have brownies for tea!

Let's talk about sex baby...A guide for parents.

 'Let's talk about you and me, let's talk about all the good things not the bad things...' If, like me, you sang along not knowing what it was all about then put your hands in the air.  It is rather a British quirk that we avoid talk of the naughty stuff.  Like me, you may find that perfectly sensible words like penis send you off into a fit of giggles.  

I spent my teenage years in ignorant bliss about sex until the playground chat got more 'intense'. There was talk of BJ's,  I nodded along as though I knew.  But how would I find out what it meant?  There was no way I would ask my sister who, although older, would have used this piece of information as ammunition in one of our infamous blow ups.  Also no way would I ask my mum who took the following approach (in a more Yorkshire tone than usual) 'Don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex...it'll ruin your life'.  My school sex education was from an RE teacher who was very much involved with us 'not touching the display boards' so I figured if I asked her about intimate touching this may be just as vehemently dismissed.  So how did I find out in the end?  A racy book on my mum's bookshelf which significantly increased my sexual terminology - my favourite being phallus.

Today's young people have it easier, or do they?  If the playground chat steams up, this generation would instinctively head to the internet.  When they type in the search engine 'blow job' there is a fairly major chance that they are going to find pornography.  And this is harmful for young minds and bodies.  It is sad to think that if we leave it too late to talk about sex, they might find out from a class mate who sends them porn on their phone.  Give me the steamy books any day!

I am now more knowledgeable in this area thanks to a slight detour from teaching geography to the privileged position of leading relationships and sex education in a job share with an amazing biology teacher.  Shout out to Jacqui who taught me everything about sex.  I started with nerves, in one of my first condom demonstrations, I tugged at the tough packaging with my stubby nails and the slippery sucker flew out and flopped close to the shoes of a traumatised girl sat on the front row.  Thankfully the more I taught about sex, the more relaxed I felt and the more they were comfortable talking to me.  I have grown increasingly convinced that talking to the kids about sex is a brave step and one that every parent needs to take but I guess the question is when and how?  

I have put together some thoughts:

• If the question comes up answer it.  You don't need to make a big thing, this is a natural part of life. My youngest daughter asked about sex before my oldest but both were in the car so I answered it - simple as that.  Whilst my husband shook considerably to restrain his giggles, I explained the process and they were satisfied with that.  If a question doesn't get asked, there are some excellent books out there to help you through.
• Be positive. We make too much of a secret of it, this probably explains why teenagers, who are programmed to rebel, see this as a tempting taboo.  Also talk to your kids positively about puberty. I admit I found it tricky with menstruation, but when you consider that this is them becoming an adult, this is indeed something to celebrate.  I love that Native Americans have a 'sunrise ceremony' to celebrate so perhaps we should take this approach with gifts and a feast.
• Tell them they can ask you questions about sex without judgement.  Children are curious, it doesn't mean that they are going to go and get pregnant.  The fact that they can ask you means that they will get sensible information and won't seek elsewhere.
• Talk like Goedele Liekens the Belgian sexologist who gave me my greatest education in a programme by Channel 4 'Sex in Class'.  She emphasised the fun element of sex particularly for girls whom she asked to use mirrors to help them explore their body more.  The saddest part of this documentary was that all genders could not label key features of a girls anatomy - labia, clitoris and vulva were not words that kids knew, yet their drawings of penises were extraordinarily detailed.  I blame 'Superbad'.  I guess we can be quick to dismiss our children when they fiddle and grab their genitals but we should tell them this should be only in private rather than make them ashamed.
• Talk about consent.  If you haven't seen the tea and consent video you need to.  Shout out to my enlightened Aussie friend who not only taught her toddler to use the correct anatomical words for his appendage, penis (our NCT group were taken aback).  She also taught us all the term 'enthusiastic consent' which is a great way to overcome the ambiguity of sexual conduct.
• Talk about pornography.  Goedele asked her students in a Yorkshire school to write a porn film, in mixed gendered teams.  A boisterous boy added his own 'special' ending associated with a porn film and horrified the girls in the class when he said he wouldn't have asked permission.  This was an excellent way of highlighting the influence of porn on youngsters. Porn, like most Hollywood films never contain conversations about consent.  This is only one of the damaging impacts of porn, you may not want to talk about how it emphasises violent behaviour, favours male pleasure, represents unrealistic expectations of bodies and can give a false impression of sexual behaviour.  Be sure to explain the legalities of receiving and sharing pornography, something which secondary schools will certainly be doing with new curriculum changes.   This funny video illustrates the differences between porn and real sex through the medium of food, something I am always interested in (you may not want to watch this when the kids are around).
• Your child might be LGBT or their friends might be.  Aim to be inclusive with your talk so that they can happily talk about any feelings they might have about their attraction to anyone.  LGBT teens are much more likely to suffer from mental health issues and so having a home that is a safe space will go a long way towards helping with this.  Plus we want them to be inclusive with their talk too.

So this is all that I have learned after teaching and researching sex ed for 8 years. I by know means know it all.  If you want more information Channel 4 has some excellent programmes. I have often thought a website where young people can go to find out information about sex would really help young people today so that if someone like me wants to find out what a 'blow job' is, they would get a quick, reliable and factual answer.  This is the nearest I have got to an A-Z of sexual terms but if you get a better one give me a shout.

Here are some references and the chat I alluded to earlier:

Where Willy Went? - I hear a great introduction to primary age kids.

Louis Theroux 'The night in question' - a good look at sexual consent in American colleges.  Also watch Sex Education on Netflix - very enlightening.

Government report on access to pornography

Guide for parents on illegal sharing of underage images (sexting)  If your child receives an image of an underage naked photograph or confesses to sending one then report to the school or CEOP, don't look at it or take a copy of it.  Also report this to the school.  For help with deleting images go to the Internet Watch Foundation.

Getting your kids to read...

'My kids will not sit down and read....sigh'. I regularly have this thought.  I feel like a failure, I am a teacher for goodness sake and the husband is brainy too.  Why don't they just sit down and read? I used to do that - or did I?  In reality I was busy twirling a brush around in the garden with ambitions of being in 'the front row' of the majorette troupe.  These things are important to a 9 year old.  Not to worry, this skill paid off because I still have the muscle memory to wang a 2ft brush around my head.

It's not really a surprise that our kids aren't glued to books when competing for their attention is Fortnite, Roblox and Among Us.  All those flashy colours and opportunities to chat with friends are an understandable distraction.  Yet we all know that there is nothing like getting lost in a book.  For most of us it's when we are on holiday, that 'other world' that you escape to is unique and entrancing.  Nicola Morgan (who writes excellent books) calls it 'readaxation' because it zones you out better than most activities.

We all know the benefits of reading and lecture our kids regularly but will they listen?  No.  With my oldest child (aged 9) and reading, I have the 'parent guilt'. She does not sit in a corner and read like I would like her to, if she does (because I have bribed her over the tablet) she always wants to read Diary of a Wimpy Kid or Tom Gates, at a push David Walliams.  I know that I am being unreasonably harsh on myself because when I gather the evidence I find that my kids do read (at night).  I once even overheard my eldest recommending a book on an online chat.  My youngest is obsessed with Rory Branagan, which is hilarious and has started a family joke about silent farts being called a 'Wilkins Wellkins'.  

In my desperate pursuit to turn my kids into bookworms I have gathered a plethora of advice through the combination of good google search and playground chats and I think that these really work:

• Read yourself (your phone doesn't count).  Kids mirror your behaviour so if you want them to read, read.  I am the worst for phone gawping because they are so addictive, but putting your phone down and picking up a book is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kid.  My youngest has more of an interest in books, I think because one summer I had a conscious effort to put my phone down and pick up a book.  I was glad I did, books are much more fun and better for your mental health than doom scrolling the internet.  Still this is far easier said than done and I have a long way to go here.
• Let them read the Wimpy Kids.  Try not to be so quick to dis the books they like - have you read them? Without Walliams my kids would not have got onto chapter books and he has some corking books: Awful Auntie, Bad Dad and The Midnight Gang are all big hits in my house.  
• Read to them and it doesn't have to be at night.  My eldest doesn't really need a bedtime story but every now and then I read to her.  It's a great escape from my school work and it makes for good bonding as we discuss what's going to happen next.  
• Talk about books, if you have your book handy all the time you're more likely to read it.  Also your child will be curious about it, so tell them what your book is about.  Reading 'The Institute' by Stephen King on holiday, my daughter wanted to know what it was about, when I told her it was about kids with special powers that had been kidnapped, she wanted an update every day.
• Take recommendations. What got me into books eventually was recommendations, I always try to read a Booker Prize winner - the ultimate recommendation.  Waterstones are amazing and the people who work in the kids books are a fountain of knowledge, my kids will eagerly pick up a book that they have recommended. Books can be an inspiration my eldest is really enjoying the Wimpy Kid Movie Diaries and now wants to get into making films.
• Go to the library - often.  Not only will it save you money but it shows your kids that books are important to you if you visit the library often.  I know in Covid times this may be difficult but check their online offer.  Our library has a ready reads scheme where you offer your preferred reads and they choose something similar - I have had some humdingers from this scheme.
• Reading corner/den. This is what schools do, they have a cosy corner where students can read.  Kids love making a den so get them to go ahead.  Even if they don't read in it, it has got them out of your hair for a half hour.
• Positive labelling: I will probably write about this later but society labels kids.  For example expectations are that girls have neat handwriting and read quietly but boys run around and punch each other.  This is typical of the type of labelling that our kids face.  So how do we overcome that?  By telling them they are a reader and a good one at that.  Watch this space for a future blog about stereotyping and positive labelling.
• Liaise with school.  Find out what book they are studying at school, ask for some recommendations from the teacher or ask if your child can do a show and tell with a book they have read.  Kids love to impress their teachers and teachers love it when your child reads.
• Go factual.  My kids, actually mostly their dad, love a rummage through The Guinness Book of Records.  Who doesn't want to know about the most 'high fives by a rat'?  This is a British record - punches the air!
• Try the news.  No not the doom scrolling stuff that you look at.  We all know Newsround is a classic but this article by The Guardian gives some alternatives.  I am going to check these out this week.
• Audiobooks.  I can't take credit for this one: my neighbour 'Jo' and 'Charlotte' my colleague both recommend Audio books. Jo recommends The Wizard in my shed for her lively boys who have loved it.  Charlotte says 'As a family of dyslexics I was amazed when the educational psychologists recommended audiobooks - I had been slavishly pushing traditional reading and I thought audiobooks were cheating.  But his rationale was that audiobooks allowed them to improve vocabulary and their writing styles. It also meant that they enjoyed the stories and worked through them in good pace'.

So good luck with the reading, don't expect miracles (my kids only read at bedtime or under duress) and see what happens.  Even if you read more, the process of osmosis will take effect eventually. Our Senior headteacher says her kids struggle to read, so I shall throw away my guilt and let them read today's equivalent of 'Sweet Valley High'.  Thanks Laura for the old school reference!

Below are recommendations and websites of a few mentioned above. Not being the expert I asked my amazing colleagues at Cobham Free School for recommendations and here are a few of them - the sheer volume says that there is something for everyone out there.

Book Trust - Far more knowledgeable than me.

Books:

The Boy In The Back Of The Class - my eldest loves anything by this author.

Rory Branagan series

The Tree House Series

Our Head of English has this reading list that she gives out, our headteacher recommends them as her son loved them.  She credits an extremely generous teacher who shared this online originally.

Here are more that aren't on the list and/or extra nuggets of advice:

Deepti recommends: Good night stories for rebel girls, Spiderwick Chronicles (younger children) and the Awesome book awards

Alice recommends: Heroes of Olympus Series and The Rooftoppers

Emily and Sarah-Jane both recommend the library, Sarah-Jane recommends swapping books with friends to save money.

Lauren recommends Roald Dahl and reading about Greek Myths.  She also says read anything, her daughter is obsessively learning the periodic table from Osbourne Books.

Charlotte recommends Eva Ibbotson

Vicky recommends The Firework Maker's Daughter - Phillip Pullman

Duncan says just get them to read and he gave his son graphic novels, anime and autobiographies and he became a professional animator.  He gave his arty daughter Marianne Dreams who read it multiple times.

Liz recommends poetry and the genius that is Michael Rosen - who doesn't love 'Chocolate Cake' - yummy!

Lottie recommends the Percy Jackson series

Kerry recommends audiobooks with the Alexa every night as part of the bedtime routine.  She also recommends books by Tom Fletcher and David Baddiel.

Thanks CFS people!

Teaching your own kids - harder than the worst pupils!

 I assumed that home learning would be easy, I have over 20 years teaching experience and I thought I would bring out my classroom management armoury and that it would be easy.  I can say a big fat NO to that.  So my husband and I, who is much more patient than me, have muddled through with lots of learning experiences as I am sure you are.  I thought I would share what has worked for us if it gets you through another day.

• Be creative about your rewards.  It doesn't have to be a short term (TV/Tablet time), although to be fair, this works a lot of the time.  Here's a creative one I thought up, I told my kids that if they did work that is extra special then I would do something really silly.  They did, so I ran around the house shouting 'poo poo bum bum wee wee', yes it's immature but actually both of my kids (7 and 9) love it.  I am thinking that once we get to teenagedom that this will be a no go but seeing your parent do something silly is a tonic and will also be a tonic for you.  Don't feel that you have to be so full on, I am an extrovert by heart so you can obviously do something low key.   The point is that being told that you have done something well is far better for intrinsic motivation.
• Have a routine - it is obvious, but we all like a routine.  Make sure all the work is time bonded so that you can do some work and that you have set times for helping.  Can't say this is my strength but I am getting there.
• Don't do the work for them, they will cotton onto the fact that if they whine enough you will do it for them.  We all did it at school right?  So if they ask for help, ask them questions that help them get to the right answer.  Tell them to wait, read the work again and see if they are clever enough to work it out (reward them for this).  Remember the term 'helicopter parenting' if you are watching everything they do, mistakes are healthy, children learn from them and it's better that the teacher corrects them because they listen to them.
• Use relatives or teachers to show off their work.  A zoom call to grandma or nanny in my house always gets a bucket of praise and kids love to impress other people. 
• Have fun - Sounds a bit condescending this but have a laugh with it.  Read stories with funny voices or tell them you're going to complete their work and make it really bad - they won't be able to help but correct it.  
• Get them outside and listen.  If the meltdown occurs, then go for a walk round the block.  Listen to them and wait.  It's tempting to give them a solution, but it's better to let them work out a strategy and only ask if they want help.  Just listen and repeat what they say.   Think about it as an adult - it's annoying when someone keeps telling you what to do about your problems.  If they don't want to talk, tell them that's fine but you are there if they change their mind.
• Give yourself a break: telly and games can be educational.  Oak national and bbc bitesize have lots of resources.  Put them in front of this and get your work done.  These are extraordinary times, you feeling guilty isn't helping the situation.
• Kids are social: Above the age of 6, children need their friends.  Arrange a zoom call/whatsapp video call as a reward if you can.
• If all else fails - seek help: Tell the school that you are struggling, as a teacher the more you know about a situation, the more you can help.   Schools have pastoral care teams who, in my experience are exceptional and will move the earth to help you. 

This is all our learning experiences if you have some please add them to the comments and I will pop them on the blog.  Happy teaching everyone!