I have had to wrack my brains for strategies to motivate and engage my children this week, the ones that work for the teens I teach. Sometimes these strategies work and sometimes they don't, we are working with humans and they are not an exact science. Here's what I have come up with.
- Don't rush to help them: This is good for you and good for them. If you shoot up to help them when they whine, they will come to expect this and this isn't something that you can sustain. I read in a parenting book that you should let them struggle and it really hit home for me. After reading this, no longer did I help my stroppy toddler when she had a meltdown over the pram that wouldn't move over the ledge of the door and miraculously she worked it out and was super chuffed with herself for it.
- Learning should be a struggle: If it isn't hard they are not learning. This week I assumed my 7 year old wouldn't know the word 'altitude' so I changed the phrasing of the question to help. She informed me that she knew what it meant because it was in the glossary on the next page. I was considered told. After the first lockdown and having to help with fractions, I learnt that I should shut up about stuff being difficult because if your mum with a degree can't do it, then they sure as hell will be thinking they can't.
- Get students to visualise the pit: Someone on our staff meeting said their kid's primary school had been teaching them about the learning pit, which basically means that to truly learn you have to face a difficult journey and you will be faced with a moment where you are stuck at the bottom of a pit. Once you work your way out of the pit with blood, sweat and tears there is enormous pleasure from getting out. This became a thing for us during the last lockdown to such an extent that my husband recorded my daughter saying that she had exited the pit in order to use for motivational purposes later on.
- Practice makes perfect: It's a cheesy one all mums say but it is true. Malcolm Gladwell popularised the 10,000 hours theory for mastering a skill and I am sure you have all been faced with it in a training event of some kind. It isn't exact because there's all kinds of reason we get good at stuff but we know that if you practice something enough you get really good at it. This video has been doing the rounds on social media and is a good one to show your kids when they are finding something challenging.
- Nobody likes doing something they're not good at. I am shocking at DIY because I avoid it at all costs. Have a think about what you avoid and what your kids avoid - does it coincide? We need to show our kids that even if we don't feel confident in something that we should face it.
- Model how to do what they've got to do: Sometimes when faced with a difficult task we haven't got a clue where to start and this is probably why your kid is procrastinating impressively. Like a sports coach, demonstrate how you would do it and if they are still stuck start the work so that they can finish it. My youngest likes to spot deliberate mistakes that I chuck in to see if she's listening. This week we faced creating a biased newspaper article about a Greek god and so I recreated a newspaper article about how her favourite youtuber was responsible for children getting fat.
- Bribery doesn't work in the long term. All the research points to the fact that extrinsic motivation, like saying you will get £10 for each exam result, doesn't work. Intrinsic motivation, being chuffed with yourself is always better. So it is worth working on setting goals with your kids. Matthew Syed's Awesome Diary is really good for this. His adult books are also a great insight in understanding how to succeed.
- Learning takes time: I am ashamed to say that my 7 year old is not as good at shoelaces as she should be, it's her fault and mine. When it's time to go out she whines that she can't do it and because I am in a rush, I do it for her. Really I need to sit down with her and practice it sitting on a sofa because nobody learns best under the stress of everyone huffing at you to hurry up.
- The rule of three. In school we have a SPOT strategy 'Self, Partner, Other, Teacher'. This is to counter the problem I alluded to with kids who don't want to think. Partly because I am a bit lazy I have always told the kids to try 3 times before asking for help with tricky tasks. It freaks me out that they almost always do it by the third attempt.
- Let them loose. They want to cook or do craft and you ought to let them do it on their own. Yes it will look crap and the kitchen will be a bombsite but does it matter? This week my 10 year old baked brownies completely on her own, it took an hour and a half longer than usual but they tasted alright. Added bonus being if we get stricken down with corona virus we will still be supplied with cake!
- Tell them you like mistakes. The biggest barrier to learning at the moment is students afraid to make mistakes: they think if they delay enough that they won't have a wrong answer. Wrong answers are great I tell the kids at school, they are learning opportunities, I then spiel off loads of "failed" human beings - J K Rowling, Simon Cowell, Michelle Obama. Risk takers who learn from mistakes are the most successful in life. I do find though, as a parent, we hone in on mistakes and can't help but point them out. Rein it in - nobody wants someone constantly poking holes in what they do! If you can't help it, point out that these are understandable and do try to balance it out with 3 positive features about their work. Perhaps better would be to ask my kids to point out their errors before I find them, this then helps them to get better at self regulation.
- Positively phrase your instructions: It's a classic teacher training one this but when you ask them to do something always put it positively. 'I would really love it if....you could leave your tablet when I ask you to'. 'I have this fun challenge for you that you will really enjoy, can you put your bowl in the dishwasher'. Okay, so nobody thinks that dishwashers are fun but the humour might just jolt them into action. Also when followed by a thanks rather than a please it fools them into thinking they said yes - love a voodoo mind trick!
- Have a rota with responsibilities: We went to an AirBnb in France and noticed that they had a chore rota on the fridge with a fair bit to be done. It occurred to us that we were always running around cleaning and had two ready made slaves to do some of it. Thus the rota was made with the slaves agreement and now they happily do it! Who knew this would work? We don't even give them money for it either.
I am sorry if this advice is a bit obvious but when we are under pressure with the demands of our work, fielding questions about fractions and snacks we don't always remember these things. I know this week I will be trying to do these more, with this blog I feel like I am teaching myself too. Don't despair if your child isn't readily working independently yet, with some patience and time - they'll get there. And you, like me, will have brownies for tea!
Well written Lou.. rule of 3 sounds good
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